By: Kristen Oliver
It’s not supposed to be this way.
I’m supposed to be happy. I have no reason not to be. I’m healthy. I have a loving husband and 2 healthy kids. A supportive family, a career and I know God’s love. That’s the part that gets me the most. I KNOW. It’s not like I’m searching for the “missing piece.” I have it. It’s a relationship with Jesus. I believe he has a plan and he won’t give me more than I can handle. But then WHY? Why do I feel so incomplete? Why do I feel so confused, so uncertain, so hurt? These are questions I have struggled with recently.
I realize that most of my life I have been trying to do things “perfectly”. I’ve been trying to fix everything for everybody.
I’ve been playing God.
It’s sickening to say out loud right after saying; “I believe” and “trust in God.” The problem is, I don’t always act that way, We don’t always act that way. This is a struggle for me. My spirit and flesh are in such conflict and my mind is desperately trying to make it make sense. It’s exhausting.
“To deny my feelings any voice is to rob me of being human. But to let my feelings be the only voice will rob my soul of healing perspectives with which God wants to comfort and carry me forward.”-It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way; Lysa Terkeurst
I am wrestling with my emotions most days. I can go weeks with feeling “lighter.” But more often than not, that isn’t the case and I’m plagued by constant questions of “what if”, “why me” and “when will this feeling go away?” Although I am frustrated by this “middle” place. I am aware that it is strengthening my faith. It gives me compassion and an understanding for those who struggle silently.
“To wrestle well means acknowledging my feelings but moving forward, letting my faith lead the way.”-It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way; Lysa Terkeurst
I used to think I was the only christian that struggled with “not being good enough.” The only Christian that messed up AFTER finding Jesus and not beforehand. The only Christian who had unanswered questions. And so I wrestled silently. I did not wrestle well.
I get it. People don’t like sharing their vulnerabilities. Trust me, I don’t WANT to share my personal struggles (that’s why they are personal). The first time I wrote a blog post I was literally nauseous!! Frankly I’ve always been concerned with people’s opinions. I’ve always tried to “fit” in. Considering I’m a #basicwhitegirl, it’s still true as a 30 year old. But you know what, I’m going to embrace it!
Christians can we just agree to NOT put on a facade. To NOT act like we have it all together? To share our struggles before and not after someone has a life altering crisis. You never know when someone needs to know they aren’t alone. We will never know. But God does.
Although it’s not supposed to be this way, it is. We don’t have to understand the why we just have to: #trusttheprocess –Pat Hampton.
How to Wrestle Well: 1. Read the Bible; Fill your mind with the truth. 2. Talk to a few trusted friends and a spiritual mentor. 3. Pray. Pray. Pray. Not a dinner prayer, an intimate, honest, heartfelt, prayer. 4. Go slow; Take it one day at a time
In line with a song I just recently listened to….
This is how I will fight my battles, how about you?
Please share with someone who needs it. We are in this together.
All my love,